i wish i could be just madison

GOD made me an original, so i refuse to let the world make me a copy
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truth, dog.

truth, dog.

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So, there’s been mass amounts of drama going on about the whole Joe Paterno/Jerry Sandusky/Penn State/It’s totally not cool to molest boys debate. I haven’t followed the whole debate the closest as anybody, but, I’ve kept on it to some extent. Since when did it become cool to know about a murder go on and report it, but never follow up on it when you go to work with the murderer every day? oh? it’s not cool? okay. just checking. and when did it become cool to go to work with a child abuser every day, report it once, but know that nothing happened so the kids still getting beat? oh, still not cool? So why is it cool that you know a coach on your team is molesting young boys and you report it once but still go to work with him daily? It definitely shouldn’t be. Students of PSU that are rallying, please, just go back to your dorms/houses. Go to bed. What Joe Pa did was wrong. You’re all right. Legally, he did nothing wrong, but it’s called morals. Would you really want your kid around somebody who never followed through when he knew things were happening that shouldn’t have been? What if that were your kid??? Imagine how those parents are feeling! That would be like a teacher at my old high school knowing the name and whereabouts of the guy who raped me and when they told another teacher that did nothing about it, neither did they. That’s just plain wrong. You can sit there all you want and say that it’s not his problem, but i beg of you, please try and think of it as if it were you it happened to. Jerry Sandusky is obviously the sick one and the one to blame for this all. I think that he needs help and I feel like there should be a special place in the lowest of places for child molesters… through all of this, that shouldn’t be forgotten. I think all of PSU could use every ones prayers. Joe Pa was an excellent coach and that was his career that he just lost by one tragic mistake. I think that everyone should learn from that one tragic mistake though. It’s crazy to think that one thing can cause the downfall of so much. Many people think that they should stay out of things no matter how awful they are if they don’t concern them… but just think. You could be saving a little girl that keeps getting beaten, a young boy that is being molested, or somebody in an abusive relationship. By sitting there and pretending like you don’t see anything, you’re not only keeping other people in bad situations, but you’re also risking the potential of it coming to haunt you down the road.

ramble.ramble.ramble.

It’s 2:07am and I can’t sleep, yet again. You know… I’ve written about a trillion letters to you. It helps me…. Even though I know you though I know you just think I’m a whiny baby and if you were to ever see them, it’d just set in stone our never being able to even communicate. The thing is, I really liked you, a lot, and I tried everything I could to make you like me back. I talk about how I just wanted to be enough for you and that’s true… I always wanted to be good enough to just hang out with. I loved our times where we just laid in bed and watched family guy and American dad and all kinds of other shows that are like, beyond the stupidest in the world. I loved being able to cuddle with no strings attached whatsoever. I loved being able to lay there and know that you didn’t really want anything from me. I loved being able to do things just because I thought, maybe he’ll smile and maybe he’ll like this. Maybe he’ll like me. I’ve come to find though that things just won’t work if your head isn’t there in the first place. You never wanted a relationship and it was my own stupid self thinking that maybe I could be enough for you to want one. That was my biggest mistake. I also really just always feel so alone… so companionship was a biggie… that’s what you were to me. I’m sure the feelings are not reciprocated, but, you were my best friend. Even though you’d roll your eyes and give me the most “no duh” answers in the world, I loved you for it. I felt like there was a time where we could talk about anything and no matter how stupid you thought it was, you’d always have an answer for me. Now, if I talk to you about anything at all personal, you ask me why I’m telling you that and why I would tell anybody that. I wouldn’t tell anybody though… I just trust you. I don’t know why… it’s probably the stupidest thing in the world. I know that I have a slew of problems… but so do you. You have a ton of growing up to do and you don’t care about other people’s feelings. You can say you care for them and want the best for them, but that’s really just a cover. It’s just so you don’t feel like a bad person. You’re now in your mid 20’s. You had no problem having a young girl with so many issues fall for you. You drink too much and you really aren’t doing a ton with your life. Your lifestyle is just plain unhealthy. You talk down to people like you’re so much better than them and talk to girls who like you in such a sarcastic manner because you just don’t care about how it hurts them. It’s awesome you have the family you do that supports you. I’ve heard some crazy stories, and I can say that I’m jealous of how they’re still there for you… but that’s a normal feeling… jealousy. You claim to not have it, that makes you the not normal one, just saying. I didn’t have an easy life… and it may sound like a complete sob story to you, but that’s how it is. You ask why I tell you so much and you know, I never really had it figured out until just now, at 2:15am… Aj was my best friend and he was there for most of it. I never had to explain much to him because he saw exactly how bad it hurt and he held me as I just cried myself to sleep so many times. He and I had such an understanding love. He knew how crazy my family could be and knew that I wasn’t as crazy as it appeared. I know you ask why things with him and I just can’t be fixed but it’s because you broke them and no matter what, they’ll never go back to what they were. I have to thank you for that though because I wasn’t strong enough to do it on my own and it needed to be done. Anyhow, I thought that Andrew and I had such an awesome and understanding love and friendship… I just wanted that back. The only way to get that back was if I could have somebody understand me and the things I’ve gone through. If you were there, you’d see that it’s been sucky. Listening now, it does just sound like, poor me. Let me just say though, that at no point do I pity myself and you can ask anybody that. Everything that’s happened in my life has made me that amazing person that I know I can be. It’s all sucked and it all hurts to this day. I thought you were capable of caring for me. I thought that when you saw me with bruises on my face and you said that it’s the most fucked up thing anybody could do to someone else, you got it. You probably don’t even remember that though. I thought that when I wasn’t feeling well so you brought me crackers and ginger ale, you were capable of caring. You probably don’t remember that either. I thought that when you’d send me in a left over piece of cake decorated with all kinds of candy, you were capable doing things just because they’re nice. I wish I could say you remembered that. I thought that when we laid in bed all night just talking and laughing that you liked me as a person, you don’t remember that either though. The problem is that it was all either a drunken blur or you just never had anything better to do. I did have better things to do though… I could’ve been focused more on my child or somebody else that was actually interested in me. Instead I was chasing after something that wasn’t even there. “were they wasted words and did they mean a thing… All that precious time, but I still feel so in between. Someday I keep pretending that you’ll stay dreaming of a different ending. I want to hold on but it hurts so bad, and I can’t keep something that I never had. I keep telling myself things can turn around and if I wait it out, you could always change your mind. Like a fairy tale where it works out in the end, can I close my eyes and have you lying here again. Then I come back down and then I fade back in and then I realize its just what might have been. Am I shadow on your wall, am I anything at all, anything to you? Am I a secret that you keep, do you dream of me when you’re sleeping, after all?” It’s so true. That’s been my life for the past year. Can I just say though, you could’ve saved us both a world of trouble and “obligations” if you would’ve just said how you really felt. I’m used to girls sending mixed emotions but man up. I’ve had a sucky past few years and you can tell me to cry a river all you want. It won’t change the fact that I’m just a hurt, young girl that you can’t call crazy for reacting to all the things you’ve thrown at me. You would understand that if you would’ve just taken the time to understand me. I’m sure I’ll find somebody who does… I just so thought it could be you. I’m wrong a lot though. I can say it and be okay with it. I love you and I can truly say that I hope you find somebody that makes you happy in life because when you’re not truly happy with yourself, you can’t be happy with somebody else. You may say you’re okay with your life, and if you truly are, then I really would’ve hoped you wanted more for your life. You’re an amazing person and I’m choosing to take all the fun times from the past year and forgetting about the hell. <3

Love, madi

Things will get better. I keep trying to tell myself that one day, I’ll look back at all of this and remember how this all was just the start tos omething absolutely amazing. yep. someday, not today. Part of me wants to look into job core so I not only have a place to live, but also can further my education and have a job. Part of me just wants to fast forward 3 months and skip over all of this time in between.

I really need to figure out where I’m going to stay. It sucks that I’m 19 and have no where to go. This thought of flying far away is sounding better and better. I miss the days where I didn’t have to worry too much about money and I could get my nails and toes done along with my hair. I miss those days minus the stress.

So, I finally got up at the crack of 11:45 and waited for lunch which was 30 minutes late.Lunch actually wasn’t horrible… it was pizza. I decided to take a shower afterwards and felt decently refreshed. Then, I thought that I know I had some kind of hair/makeup stuff at the bottom of my bad and they actually let me go through it and pull stuff out. Long story short, I did my hair and makeup and am feeling a little bit better now. Plus, mathis comes in, in about an hour. He’s definitely one of my favorite people on staff. He’s always able to help me smile and feel better when I’m down. I’m pretty sure Ben’s off. He’s put in a ton of hours the past few days. he’s a lot of fun too. I think I’m going to miss a lot of people whe I leave here. bonnie is funny and always making me smile. Marian is one of the sweetest woman I’ve ever met. I’ll miss Justin’s humor and Breon’s hugs and constant concern. I found out last night that you have to wai 6 months before you’re allowed to come back to visit. I’m slightly bummed over that but oh well. I just got super tired out of nowhere, but it’s time for DBT group.

I have absolutely no motivation to get out of bed today. I didn’t get up for breakfast, art therapy or groups. I sat up once, to hug danielle goodbye, but, thats about it. I’m highly debatin geating lunch at this point. I should shower, that may help me feel a little better. 8 days and i’ve worn the same 3 outfits. 8 days I havent done my hair or make. My eyebros need waxed and quite honestly, I’m dying to shave my legs. I need to kick this mood and get up. It’s times like these where I actually feel like something has to be wrong with me. I’m completely opposite of my normal happy disposition. I sincerely feel just plain depressed. I think part of today is just the fact that I’ve felt super bummy and just haven’t really done anything with my life this past week. ugh. oh well… maybe it’s time I get up and do something.

My family is not perfect, but neither am I. Tonight, I accept the fact that my family cannot support me in the way I always wanted and hoped for. I’ve always dreamed of being in a family where I was loved and appreciated. I think that’s part of the reason why I want to find somebody who loves me. Not only would I have my other half, but maybe i would also have a kind of, “replacement” family. The hardest part was accepting that my father here is not the father I always wanted or dreamed of, but I do know that I have a father in heaven that does love me unconditionally and is there for me whenever others fall short. I’ve come to the realization that I’ll probably do better if I just don’t speak with my biological family any longer. My family doesn’t have to be people of blood relations. My family can be anybody that I choose that supports me and is concerned about my well being. I have a drive to suceed in me and I know that I’m going to be somebody amazing someday. If my family doesn’t want to be there and support me, then that’s fine. I’m going to surround myself with positive people that do support me. If that involved me not letting my family know my new address or changing my phone number, then I’m committed to this change. i’m not going to sit and wait for my enviornment to change, I’m starting with me.

I’ve never been the pretty sister. It’s nothing that I sit and blame or hate people for and it’s nothing I like to sit and have a pity party over either. Every now and then though, it gets to me. Maybe if I were prettier, it’d be easier to find somebody to love me. Maybe if I were skinnier, I’d be more attractive. Maybe if I didn’t have all these stretch marks, somebody would want me. Usually, a day doesn’t pass where I don’t wish I looked different. If I only had the body of my little sister or the curly long blonder hair of my older sister, how could my life be different? I’ve always struggled with my self esteem, but today, as I look into the mirror, I find it especially hard to deal with.

Sometimes I wonder if I just should’ve gotten married. I could’ve been happy. My family and I probably wouldn’t have the problems we do now and I probably wouldn’t even be in the situation I’m in now. What if I screwed up? I probably could’ve learned to love andrew again. People have arranged marriages do it every day. What if he really was my other half and I passed it by and am still searching for someone else that isn’t really there. I think I just want to be wanted. I’ve always felt abandoned through out my life and it’s just simply an amazing feeling to me to feel important to somebody. I want to make somebody proud and happy. I want to be able to find someone who loves me unconditionally. I just want to be loved.